lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
