just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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