I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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