i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
