Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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