you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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