My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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