You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
