wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
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