I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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