i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Randomize
