I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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