I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
