I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
