it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
