I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
this hospital has no fireball
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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