Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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