his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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