my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
