We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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