we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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