thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
