I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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