I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
