I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
