just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
