Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
