why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
