pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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