this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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