wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
