only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Are my feet made of real feet?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
