I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
