Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
