This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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