i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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