Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
