If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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