Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
