I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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