Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
