I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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