she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
