morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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