Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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