White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
