just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need to sanitize my soul.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
