ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
