i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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