think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
